We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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