I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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