The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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