You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
