Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
