How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
