But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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