why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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