Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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