all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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