You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
