Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
