Umm I'm too high to move.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
pop tarts are not kleenex
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
