Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
