hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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