I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
