i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
