I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
