I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
