just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
