I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
