Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
