Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I believe in your delicious
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
