I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
