i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
