I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
