Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I've blown a few things in my day
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
