So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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