I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
