"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
