I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
