Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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