i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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