so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My life is pants optional.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
