I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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