my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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