Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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