I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
