Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
