You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
