Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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