It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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