I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
