the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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