For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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