yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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