Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i think i have two assholes
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
