Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
