I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
