my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
