every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
